two poems

alot going on... two little phhtt poems for you that i word vomited out


Too busy to check the computer,
Too busy to answer my phone
Too busy to see who’s at the door
Too busy to get stoned
I’m busy brushing my teeth
Brushing my teeth furiously To rid my mouth of the scent of you
Your voice still echoing and bouncing around my absent mind
I taste the blood from my gums and put my weapon away
Leave the cold room with too many mirrors
Showing too many reflections of me,
Every single one of them alone




I’m a certain kind of odd
The kind that doesn’t cry
I go for long drives
I’m a certain kind of crazy
Painting, drawing, writing
Angry sarcastic laughing
I’m a certain kind of insane
Too picky and too open
Too forgiving and too lost
I’m a certain kind of something
Looking for a certain kind of understanding
To let me be free to be
Wonderfully mentally gone

tight rope

On the edge of healing and disaster
I’ve been trapped once again
The poison complacency is creeping in faster
One more pill, my saving godsend
Clawing at my heels, dragging, pulling me back
Back to the hell made just for me
Calling so sweetly, that pleasing attack
Reminding me how simple, how easy it would be
To succumb and be captured again.
Hello my name is Glutton,
I stuff myself with pain
I gorge myself with heartbreak
One more serving of contempt
One more bite of filth, I can fit just one more.
And it’s late late at night again
Now it’s early early morning
Sun rises like clockwork, ticking ticking on
Reminding that now is the time to act awake
Headache tasts like coffee and sugar
Now is the time to work,
Can they sense the nothing
The empty swirling around inside
Now is the time to crawl along
Stuck in traffic, stuck in the house
Stuck in the room, Stuck in my thoughts
The sun sets like clockwork
Taking reason with him
Leaving me alone with my demons again
Walking that tightrope between
Healing and Disaster, that battle
I fight alone.

bloop

Look out, far at the line where earth and sky greet
Look up at where heave peeps through, seeking eyes meet
Look down at the mud as it sucks at your feet
Look out, my love, look out but never look in
Within lie the terrors, the horror the me
Beneath the beast, and she sees.
Eyes, eyes looking down at me
Eyes I feel, eyes I can’t see
The empty inside, the fiddlers three
No longer singing, hang in the tree
My life stands still, my brain frozen,
I once lived free, now by hell I was chosen
You demon so clever so perfect so smooth and
I fell I fall I crawl I can’t fight
Born in muck and pain and pride
Leviathan within, bursting forth, I cry
The beast taken over, please everybody hide
Away in my little corner of shadow
Your face, eyes, hands follow
Drowning I am in water so shallow
My neck, like yours, made for the gallows
And we’ll swing swing away, my love
Sail sail away to the deserter cove
Away with happiness, the peace dove
Fear raining down, electic air rising
Night and despair the hellish pair
Whisper forever. Strong in my ear
My baby, give in to the fear
O and pain much worse than living
Is knowing that you face is now
sweet memory
The day I died, you were set free

dreams from my diseased mind

Ths is why i don't like to sleep,
because my mind rebels against me and stages a tries to overthrow what little good sense i have... what very little i have.

I've decided to share this dream becaus it's the most recent that I can remember in whole

Hobey Ho

I am in Sarah's bed, where i usuall sleep, my laptop on the floor beside me with my knitting on top of it, and my copy of "The Dome" by Steven King resting by my hand. I felt a chill up my spine as my eyes burst open. Not a second too late the door burst open and I grabbed my truty book and threw it up to protect my face as I turned to face my attacker.

Blood dripping frm his mouth, he let out a moan as he swayed in the doorway. Zombie. I Jumped up on the bed and charged my rotting nemesis. Blood pounding in my ears, I shoved the bottom of the bood into his mouth and he toppled back out of the doorway. I slammed the door sht and locked the door. I jumped over the bed an ran to the windows, slamming them shut and pulling the shades down. I looked through the venetian blinds and saw a few unfrtunate, early morning joggers running from their own bloody hordes. I quickly piked up my phone to call my few close ones and made plans to meet at someone's apartment.

The apartment was actually the classroom from my Earth Science class in Highschool. We all looked at eachother in the classroom and quickly asked who's bright idea it was to meet at a highschool.

We all piled into my jeep and started heading north,away from populated areas, running over corpses and raiding small homes along the way. As i was driving I was picking at a hangnail on my thumb, kept biting at it and biting at it. Someonee in the back of the car said something and i jerked my head aroun to talk to them, unfortnately with the hangnail still between my teeth. I pulled the bit of toughene skin with me and ended up peeling a skn about a foot long off of my hand and arm. My mother then materialized in the passengers seat of the car and began to scold me for getting blood on my clothes. She then grabbed my arm and stapled the skin back onto my body, but it was lopsided.

I told her not to staple my skin back on in the future because I was sure I would do a better job (obviously) and she dematerialized.

Then a person who was both my roommate in college and my little sister said she was hungry, so so hungry and that we had nothing to eat. I told her if she turned into a zombie she would have plenty to eat (sarcastically) so se jumped out the window of the moving car.

Somewhere along this drea my car went from red ot black.

And then i woke up. yay

LIFE SUCKS

human : life sucks, and then you die
immortal : life sucks, and then you don't die
vampire : you suck, and then they die
zombie : life sucks, then you die, then you suck... brains
angels : everyone else life sucks, you chill in heaven
werewolf : life bites
nephilim : life sucks, but you kick ass
cat : life is awesome, i am god
dog : life is awesome, you are god
ant : i am ant
elise : life sucks but i love you

inspiration via sleep

hrm

woke up one morning, remotely remembering typing something into my phone before crashing and falling asleep around six in the morning, again.

here is what i found in the notes section of my phone after a little searching for what I had written in my sleep drunkeness.

and it hurts because you lied and we burned because they died and my
heart aches and my head pounds my eyes see red and
tears abound
and the tears and the wounds
oh they bleed red, the rivers from my shell
my skin and my stomach scream as
it is eaten from within
my shoulders shake and my soul breaks from walking
one thousand miles too far
I lay me down to sleep and see
behind the clouds,
the stars


interesting interesting... will see what i can shape out of this

summer

things to do this summer:

learn a second language... maybe french?
get a second job
enroll for school in the fall
try my hand at programing
do something crazy
renew passport and go to canada

dead bunny tree

Let's all imagine something for a moment, shall we?

You are a young child, maybe 6 or 7 and it's easter morning. You wake up, excited, thinking about easter baskets with colored plastic eggs filled with chocolate kisses, jelly beans and other means to a sugar induced coma.

You pull back the Disney themed covers and launch your little, footie pajama-ed body out of bed. You run past your siblings in a mad dash down the hard wood stairs, sliding to a halt at the bottom, to see your darling mother and father sitting, her with her tea and him with his coffee. They smile and open their arms for morning hugs and you rush into their arms, happy that they love you so much.

They spin you around and start walking you to the door, telling you that a great suprise awaits you on the other side of the door. You quicken your pace and grin so happily. You skip to a stop in front of the door and reach up, up, up to the shiny gold door knob and twist the door open.

Your face is alight with expectation, what lies ahead? A visitor? An easter egg hunt? Presents? A puppy?

No.

Your face grows cold, your eyes well up with fear and your toes curl as you see what lies before you. Bunnies, dozens of stuffed toy bunnies hanging by their necks, swaying in the breeze and slightly damp in with the morning dew. Their dead, button eyes stare, forlornly at you, looking straight into your frightened little soul. You let out a small cry of fear and nearly wet yourself. You slam the door so quickly you cath your big toe under the door. You cry out again in pain and drop to the floor as your toes pretests and cries a small droplet of blood.

Your mother, deathly afraid of blood, faints and hits her head on the ground. Your father panics as he sees his child, now histerical, cry frantically at the sight of his mother.

The child is forever scarred and the next summer begins torturing small animals.

the end.

origin of this little story:
while i was out driving with my best friend, we had to drop a friend off at her house. It was about midnight and very, very dark outside. It was also drizzly and damp. As we made our way out of the neighborhood, i saw something move out the corner of my eye. It was the dead, bunny tree.
I am not sure what possessed the inhabitants of the house to decorate the large trees in their front yard with hung bunnies, but they went all out. Bunnies of all sizes and shapes were hung, by their necks and swayed in the wind, soaked by the rain. Being extremely tired this frightened the be-jezzus out of us. We quickly drove away and I concocted this little story.

-signing off and i hope you all had a good easter

beauty marks vs mole

So for those of you who know me or have seen a picture, you can see that have have a few dots on my face that are considerably darker than the general tone of my skin. Moles or "beauty marks" as they are sometimes lovingly called are just clumps of tonal variants due to the wackiness of our DNA. Basically the skin cells saying "EFF YOU! i don't want to be like the rest of the skin cells o this entire body! I'M UNIQUE!" Most of the time they are not cancerous or dangerous in any way and sometimes, women (i suppose maybe men too?) will use make up to add fake beauty marks to their face, neck or shoulders.

Why do I bring up these little rebel skin clusters? Because when i was 13, my mother was determined to remove mine.

I had never minded the dots on my face, but for some God-unknown reason, my mother decided that they were unbecoming and needed to be erased if i was ever to even dream of finding a husband and producing a brood of little humans. After discussing various traditional korean skin lightening treatments (all of which sounded terrifying), cutting the moles from my skin (ouch scars!) and praying to God to remove the blemishes, my aunt spoke to my mother concerning a specialist she knew. The doctor claimed that, using lasers, he could sear the unholy dots away from my face and I would be good as new.

He also said he would do it for free.

Upon hearing those magical words, my family and I whisked off to Seoul and went to see this doctor. After a quick talk with my parents, I was seated in a chair, much resembling a dentists seat and was told to relax and that it would NOT hurt.

lies

To be completely honest, it didn't hurt the first few times the man shot lasers at my face. Ten minutes in, i was ready to cry. An eon and change later he finally told me I was done. He bandaged my face, and told me to keep out of the sun for a few weeks. I had no trouble staying inside, it being humid and hot outside and having JUST bought a new lord of the rings gameboy game. I was ready to hide out and kill some orcs.

A few weeks in, I took the bandaids off and studied my face... it was sad looking at my reflection and seeing someone I hadn't seen before. Lucky for me... my beauty marks came back, much to the sadness of my mother and the annoyance of me.

To this day, i still have my marks and I will never, ever try to get them removed... unless they mutate and become cancerous of course...

moral of the story: if you get surgery on you face, you get alot of time to play video games

broken and all my fault

hm so a very quick story before i head off to work

when i lived at west point, ny, we had this nice little light fixture ma bob over our dining room table.

while we were cleaning house to pick up and move again, i got the job of sweeping the floor in the dining room, my mother had to run out for a moment to pick something up from the store.
i always like making my brother and sister laugh, and brooms make excellent air guitars, so i proceeded to put a loud, rock cd in the boom box and started to rock out. unfortuanately i got i little out of hand in my stage impresonations and hit the glass light fixture with the top of the broom...
time stood still
i watched the beautiful piece of glass fall down in slow motion, each moment dread closed its icy fingers ever more tightly around my throat.

crash

it hit the floor and shattered everywhere. of course thats when my mother decided to come home.

i was so busted...

dinosaurs

I can remember the first time i watched jurassic park

My family was living in Watertown, NY we had a chill room downstairs in the basement. We had a big tv and sofa's and a sound system and it was all very cool to my young self.

My mother worked at a dry cleaners and her employer's children would babysit me sometimes. They were over at my house and they played the movie. The movie scared me SO MUCH i hid behind the sofa and refused to come out.

I eventually crept out long enough to make a mad dash to the other side of the room where a plastic bat was and scramble back to my hiding place.

My parents found me later, asleep and clinging to the bat for dear life. When my father woke me I startled and hit him with the bat... thank goodness it was lightweight plastic lol

Still to this day that movie scares the poop out of me and i refuse to watch it alone.

First I suppose I want to explain where I got my blog title from,
I guess I'm one of the few people in new york who like the rain.

Too many thoughts in my head,
Battling so many ghosts in my bed
Sunshine, he comes and goes,
So silly, but I try to follow
I run but my body is sore,and I think that
I love very few things more
Than walking in a warm summer rain,
And trying to forget about that stain
That stain, that mark on me, it says
I’m flawed and it makes me, me
I am mortal, I am healed, I am someone.
The call goes out, who else is there
To lift up arms, and stories share
Of times where man and woman ruled the earth
And lived in passion and strength and birth
Today I look out and see, not the realm of man, but of cowards three
The Angry, the Weak, and the cold hearted schemer
The first lashes out, and strangles for pleasure
Seeking always the Weak
The second is always running and hiding
Trying to rise from under the oppressor
And if they do rise, takes the place of the first
The third just waits, and watches and schemes
Manipulating and planning and attacking with glee.
The rain stops and a warm wind blows.
The clouds move away and I turn back home.

trains and the places they'll take you

So, went to my old college today to finish up some paperwork and pick up the last of my things, the trip there was easy, uneventful and easy as pie... the trip back however, had me cursing like a sailor and shooting black looks to everyone around me
honestly, just thinking about it gives me a headache

but, i got home in one piece, more or less and i won't be going back to that school unless i want to visit my friends there and i'm glad to be rid of it. While on my trip back, i thought up some lines for a poem and just sat down and type-vomited this out.

enjoy ^_^


I am standing
I am stading for there’s no room in the train,
No room in the home, no room in my heart
Standing outside as the people around me board and
How they low and mew and hurry along
And scurry along and follow along and
Simon Says “do as I say or the game’s up”
Gig’s up, time’s up, do not pass go, please
Restart, unplug, plug in, try again and again and again
Wasting my minutes and hours and dimes trying
To beat level 19 and go on to level 20 and then to 21.
You’re an adult, get your big girl panties on,
Life has begun, little girl, where were you?
I was standing
I am standing
Standing, still at the junction
Where it all ends and begins,
The lives, the journeys, the trains
Train comes and it pulses and roars and my body trembles
In fear and excitement.
I feel the life and feed and consume the energy from man’s machine
My body still trembling the train growls and howls with the wind
As it cuts through my soul and my skin
Please, louder, please
Make my body shake until the atoms separate
I’m like a stading bomb, a sitting bomb
Pulsing and dancing my way to destruction
If I explode, finally my body will mirror my heart
My mind, million little pieces
Scattered on the floor
Splattered on the walls
Staining your skin and
Burried under the nails of the hands of the man
Who tore me apart
Now, the pieces have flown with the wind, and I will ride the wind
To bring them back to me
Forever I’ll wait for my train to come
And take me away from this junction
This beginning and end

remember when

haven't posted in a while, too much to say but i just don't have the energy

BUT, here's a poem for ya


baby remember when we
laughed and lied
and danced and died
and rose again
with the new sunrise?

remember when we
rose with the dawn
and out shone the sun
and lived with the stars
and slept on the moon

remember when we
fought and killed
and destroyed and consumed
and were damaged and shattered
like ashes to water

remember when we
came crawling back
through the muck and bodies
of the ones we took with us
those that we had loved

remember when we
tried to shine
like we had before
but could only reflect
the light of others

now we watch as they
laugh and lie
and dance and die
but will they rise
with the new sunrise